You know I am not the most intelligent person in the world. I struggled terribly in high school. When I walked across the stage to receive my diploma, I truly did not know whether or not I was handed a diploma or a slip that said "Summer School". When I entered College, I was admitted on the condition that I had to pass a series of remedial classes before I was permitted to take a real class. I had to take College Prep Algebra 3 times before passing. (Amazing that I went on for a degree in accounting.) Remedial English, Composition, and Reading were required too. Up until college the only books I had ever been able to make it through with at least some comprehension were those horrible Harlequin Romances. I took remedial reading twice. I am one of those people for whom spell checking is a must. So yes I am a dummy. I did leave college with a 4.0 but not without a lot of struggle.
If you asked me to explain all the theological aspects of my faith I certainly could not do it. Sure I know the basics, but I certainly could not even teach a high school theology class. I leave that for the experts. I just know that He is there. Its as simple as that. Its not a hard concept to grasp, and I am not really sure why people struggle with it. Saint Francis of Assisi said something to the effect that knowledge should never be without Love. Knowledge should always be at the service of Love. I believe this to be true........Knowledge should lead us to a greater understanding and love of God. If it does not do that then I dare say it is useless, because only in the light of Faith can we truly understand anything.
Saint Francis of Assisi had a meditation that I love. "My God and My All." I remember the first time I had an inkling that He was there. It was at the darkest point in my life. God had seen fit to allow me to see who I really was. My soul was in a very dark place. I had left the darkness of Atheism and come to Faith. All should have been well right? I had prayed the Sinners Prayer........I had been Baptised in the bay by our preacher. (According to him the Baptism I received as a baby through the Catholic Church was invalid---but that is a whole post in its own.) I had been to many altar calls each time still feeling as something was missing. Why was I still a mess? I continued to go again, and again, Sunday after Sunday because it didn't take the first time. I wasn't ready to give my life for Christ they would tell me. What was it that was missing? What did my heart long for so deeply? Him...........I wanted Him and He wanted me.
Then I found myself at a Mass after none other than a Jewish woman had challenged me on the fact that I had left the Faith of my Youth. She said it was ignorant to reject what I did not really know. I had never read the Catechism, how could I really know what I was leaving if I had no idea what it was the Church taught. It was true I had a very poor education in my Faith. I did not know that the Church taught that He was really present in the Eucharist. Truly I can say now that had I been taught the truth as a child, I would have never left. There I was after 15 years...........The Mass was familiar and the familiarity was comforting, but still this could not possibly be where He is leading me. Then it happened..............Father raised the host during the consecration and I knew. He was there! "My God and My All!" No one had ever told me that in the few years I did have of washed out Catechism Class. I could sing all the verses of Kum-by-ya, but I could not tell you that Catholics believed in the Real Presence. I had never prayed the Rosary, only been to confession once and that was when I was in my teens, and had not been Confirmed.
That day in the Spring of 1996 was the beginning of my coming home. He looked at me and I looked at Him............and He called me home. "My God and My All"